SylviaBun

This is not a post that is targeted towards anyone, this is a mere reflection of my own thoughts as I sit here late at night and reflect on the projects I have attempted to take on, and the many failures I have had. This is not a woeful post, it is a reflective post and one meant to showcase that even when you feel the most down you have immense potential to grow. I am far from where I want to be, but I am working to claw my way there.

Why it's a problem

I am someone who has issues with concentration, extended focus, and overall with remembering details about things long-term. You would think that these factors combined would create someone who does not wish to do creative endeavors, someone who would get by just doing a “normal” job and trying to simply enjoy themselves in the moment. This couldn't be further from the truth, for me. I am pretty sure I have ADHD. Like, if I were to sit and speak with a psychiatrist and go through formal ADHD testing they would probably confirm it without any reluctance.

This unfortunately leads to me wanting to strive to do many, many things at once and ultimately leads to me accomplishing little and burning out. I begin learning how to program, I then get distracted by wanting to configure a specific program and have to learn the contexts for its scripting, I then get distracted by wanting to write blog posts (oops, here we are), I then get distracted by trying to make Doom levels, over and over until nothing gets done. Sound familiar? This is the core reason it's a problem to try and be an “everything” person, because the more you try to do the more likely you are to fail without much reason other than “I got tired of it.”

Failure is a great teacher, but not so much when it's from burnout and constant dread. Trying to be an everything person puts an immense weight on you that becomes difficult to contend with, and it leads to unhealthy behaviors and mental structures. Ones that take a very long time to break.

What can you do about it?

This is where I can't give direct advice, so this is going to be me just rambling about how I am trying to address it. I have several project ideas that I want to do. From creating Doom maps, to making videos about Doom modding history, to streaming, to designing my own game. All of these things take a large amount of time to do. So, I'm breaking it down into things I can manage now. Then, those things are being broken down further.

My plan at the moment is to get into streaming again, it's been nearly a year since my last stream and things became difficult between my partners workplace discriminating against her and my own mental health being in the toilet. One of those things has changed, my partner is now at a job where she seems to be treated well so far and while it can be stressful the expectations on her have been reasonable in the majority.

You might ask, okay, how does deciding “I'm just going to stream” help? Simply, because it's something I know I can do and can do well. I'm not going to sit here and say I'm the best or most entertaining streamer, I get anxious and kinda just make noises from time to time and try hard not to be socially awkward which is.. a core component of who I am, if I'm being honest. However, I know that I can entertain a few people at least and it's something I've made a bit of money doing in the past. Right now, I need money. So doing streaming, especially of things I enjoy, will be helpful towards setting a precedent in my mind that I can succeed.

Additionally, I have formulated a strategy. 2-3 streams a week, spaced relatively evenly on 10am-4pm Monday –> Wednesday –> Friday time slots. This hopefully will help me build structure in my currently chaotic unemployed life, allow me to gain a “regular” viewership, and also allows me to split my streaming schedule up into sections if I so desire. On top of the scheduling of time, I have decided a format for my stream is that it will be roughly 2 hours of Doom related content, followed by 4 hours of “variety” content. Variety can range from me playing other games I want to play, to having a just talking stream, to literally just doing work on other projects on stream. This is a major component in building my projects going forward, and will help me to build consistency and the mental strength to continue working on singular projects even when I don't necessarily want to.

What is the point?

This is a question I've asked myself about nearly every single thing I've ever done in life. I am someone who views life in a pretty macabre way, in that I became aware of the concept of death exceptionally early in life and have ever since lived my life in fear of the moment of my own death. I suffer greatly from existentialism, and it's one of the key reasons I suffer from chronic depression. It's brutal, and leads to a very defeatist attitude about basically my entire life.

So, for me, the point of all of this is... to figure out how to live my life. To figure out how to better myself. To figure out how to leave a legacy, of some kind, for others to look at. I don't expect to accomplish great things in my life. I don't expect to be part of a history book. I don't need to be. I just need to define my own expectations, my own goals, and build myself the tools to work towards that. To defeat the defeatism that has plagued my entire life, made me feel so disjointed and disconnected, and pushed me into a hole, I need to build the tools to work my way out of it.

The point of it all is to live my life, in some slightly meaningful way, so that at the end I can look back and say I don't regret things. I am tired of living with regrets. So, I am taking steps to build myself up and make my life mine again.

Ending thoughts

This entire post is very off the cuff. It's not like anything I've ever written here on Zoner's WriteFreely instance. I'm tired, I've been sleep deprived for days because my sleep schedule is so messed up. I've been thinking about all the things I need to do to build up my streams and make them successful, and stressing about it.

Tonight, playing some Doom for fun, I finally kind of just took the time to reflect and this is what came out. This isn't well written, it isn't formatted all that exceptionally, but it is a piece of creation that comes from a part of me that has sought to create for a long time. I'm not expecting everything I have planned to work out, to be easy, to go smoothly, or anything. I'm probably gonna have many cases of mental blocks on streaming, writing, level design, etc, going forward.

The important thing is that I can have things to look at and see success in. The happiest moments I've had when working towards goals was when I first got into streaming and saw my numbers going up. A lot has happened since then, I've lost a lot of people in my life for various reasons including drama, and I feel much more alone in many ways... but I think that much of that loneliness I feel is entirely self inflicted. I think that there's a lot more people who look at the things I do, who listen to the things I say, and enjoy having me around than I can ever realize. I mean fuck, there's several hundred people on the internet who barely know who I am yet follow me for some bizarre reason. I've had several people tell me they think I'm really cool, even if I have no idea why. I lack confidence, but that can be built up over time.

Everything is a project, but I can't expect to do them all on my own. Whatever I build going forward, it isn't alone, it's because of all of you who follow and support me, no matter in what way, no matter on what platform. Thank you.

Thank you for taking the time to read my post! Your time and thoughts are appreciated, and if you're interested in discussing something you have read here you can reach me at @thatgalsilver@zoner.work